Mid-life Musings: Insomnia and Brain Fog

Historically, I’ve been a champion sleeper. Younger me would sleep 12 hours without missing a beat. Sit me down on a comfy couch with the TV droning and I’m out like a light. In a conversation where I’m not quite invested, my eyelids quickly droop. It’s either rude or an incredible talent really, depending on the company you keep.

I love those few moments before I doze off at night. A quiet contentment washes over me knowing that sleep is coming. In just a few moments, my weary body and brain will enjoy a hard reset. I smile a little, take a deeper breath, and welcome the hours to come. 

Alas, perimenopause is creeping further into my life. It is a disruptive force that flies in the face of sweet slumber. Once upon a time, I’d wake in the wee hours to empty my bladder, then bury myself under the covers and be snoozing again in less than five minutes. 

Now, in the 3 o’clock hour, the worries creep in. The comfort and warmth of the covers no longer soothe me the same way. Things that I’m thinking about quietly all day are now screaming in my mind on repeat. There are no moment to moment distractions that keep my brain moving forward. The ruminations attack like a hulking ear-worm on crack.

There is an unsettled activity in my chest that keeps my eyes open. I try my hand-on-belly, hand-on-heart deep breathing technique to no avail. I open YouTube. I play the silk press, woodturning, dog rescue or haircut videos that often help me to shut down my brain. Nothing works. Sleep just isn’t coming anytime soon. 

Another casualty of perimenopause: I’m noticing that during the day, the memory blanks come in a more rapid-fire fashion. Words, thoughts and phrases once flowed easily from my brain to my lips. Now, they get lost, locked in the abyss-like, foggy trap of my skull. I look at people I know well and their name won’t break the brain barrier to get to my lips.

I try desperately to extract the words I know, often in word-salad style. I’m frequently saved by someone else’s kindness, someone who knows that I’m thinking but can’t get the words out. They see my struggle and frustration, how I delve deep to retrieve the simplest word. Sometimes, they try to throw me a lifeline. It’s like I have too many thoughts to process and there’s a logjam in the path to clarity. I generally pride myself in my ability to communicate, but the verbal effort is infinitely more difficult nowadays. 

Thankfully, most people know what I’m taking about.

I have made it my business to find humor in the reality of my life. I’m teaching my students, whether they like it or not, the word “perimenopause” and how I seem to be the poster child for that time in women’s lives. Certainly, someone in their family is going through the same thing. It may not show up on the SAT, but maybe it will help their understanding of their mother or their crazy aunt’s behaviors.

I’m sure lack of sleep is compounding my memory issues. Like I said, it’s cruel especially for someone who is known for her ability to snooze. Perimenopause is a sinister and cruel fact of life. Even looking forward to the weekends is not as satisfying. Though I have the time to sleep later, my early body clock now seems etched in stone. It’s awful. 

The morning after my 3:30 forced wake time, I felt a bit zombie-like. I was looking towards a long day and I knew I’d have to conserve my energy. Coffee and a bagel would be required to provide a little extra fuel and a shot of caffeine. It’s a departure from just the protein shake and banana in the morning, but I needed a little something extra to get through the day. I also needed a little treat to cheer me up. When I walked into work, it was like walking through a fog down the hall to my classroom. 

Thankfully, routine keeps me moving forward. I set up my plan for the day and welcomed my first class of students. My job is to inspire adolescents who are having a bad day/life to move their bodies, follow instructions, and be responsible for their own knowledge. That’s a tall order on a four-hour sleep day. But, I did my best in that first period of the day at 7:45 in the morning. Then, I ate the bagel and mainlined the coffee. Sometimes, carbs and caffeine do the trick.

The rest of the day leveled out. I was able to eat, hydrate, and rest between classes. The last day of musical auditions was not as devastating as I had anticipated. The year has been in a bit of a drought regarding student performers. Somehow, just enough kids showed up to cover all the roles I was casting. In my current state of being, the whole project will be a challenge. I’ll probably continue to lose more sleep over many details large and small. The cycle will continue.

When I got home, my eldest had returned home from college for winter break. Relieved she made it home, we celebrated with Korean BBQ. We ate, drank soju, then bought a bunch of ice cream to stock the freezer for the month. I don’t eat as cleanly when she’s home, but it’s temporary. Of course, I don’t think that is going to help my sleep or my weight-loss journey, which I have been actively managing for some time now. That’s another casualty of perimenopause: the addition of visceral fat and excess pounds, despite no change in your nutritional habits. Lovely (eye-roll).

That night, I fell asleep on the couch watching TV. Once I made the long, groggy trek upstairs, I had trouble falling back to sleep. I washed my face, got ready for bed, and climbed under the covers. I had hoped I’d recapture the quiet stillness I had enjoyed on the couch just 15 minutes before. Sadly, the earworm started again, the unsettled activity rattled in my chest, and dreams were once again a stranger.

These are my first deep-dives looking into the world of perimenopause. I’ve learned that the fluctuating and waning of estrogen is responsible for these frequent and unwelcome moments in middle-age. How can I conk out on the couch with the lights and tv on, and not under my covers in the dark? A cruel mystery, indeed. 

I suppose I will be writing more about the mid-life experience, since I am squarely in that box now.

This past July, I wrote my first entry about perimenopause as I started to bring my awareness of "that time of my life" to the front of my consciousness. Follow this blog to get updates as I add my thoughts and stories about living my mid-life best self. From teaching to empty nesting to Geriatric Gymnastics, I cover a lot of ground.