Sometimes you break yourself, part 6

Back to work

I’ve been back to work for a week now, and I have to say in the middle of week four, I am exhausted.

Just in time for Labor Day, the heat and humidity decided to kick into high gear. Fun fact: I teach in a classroom with no air conditioning. Anticipatory anxiety spikes thinking about the scores of new students that will cross the threshold of my classroom, many of whom do not speak English. I’m figuring out how to present my content once again in an engaging and fun way that will teach adolescents life skills, coping mechanisms and keep them moving.

And of course, I’m doing all of this in a walking boot. I think it should be called a heel-hobble boot.

How’s the mental health?

I’m trying to keep a balanced perspective about my current situation. Acknowledge how hard it is, while keeping as positive and optimistic outlook. I’ll call it the roses and the thorns.

The thorns

My mental health is definitely taking a hit on this one.

On 9/11, I recalled the moment that I learned about the travesty that changed everything. 22 years ago, I was sitting in the same space, talking to my new class with crutches by my side. Yes, 22 years ago, I had broken my left foot in a non-gymnastics-related incident, and as I was explaining what had happened and how I was planning to teach dance sitting in a chair, a security guard whispered the news in my ear. This year, instead of a pair of crutches, it was a boot and a knee scooter, as the principal came on the loudspeaker and commemorated the awful event, followed by a slow rendition of TAPS.

Every day, I must figure out how I am getting to and from school, and who I have to lean on for a ride. I hate to have to ask people to help, but I have no choice. So far, I’ve been lucky not to have to call a cab, but I’m sure I’ll have to do that at some point. That’s something I do not look forward to.

We started our fall show after school activities. I’m the advisor, so I run the show. It’s hard to gear up the energy right now, to be honest. The kids (and the adults) look to me for direction and I am just trying to keep my life together. The part of me that wants to give it all up is thankfully superseded by the part of me that needs to make sure the kids and the organization are okay.

I see the exuberant text messages of my gym buddies getting ready to go to class. I long to be there, and it seems so far away. I know it will be there when I get back, whenever that is, but it is hard to be away from the thing that was both a physical and mental respite.

All of these things are a lot to process every day.

The roses

Fortunately, I have been the benefactor of the kindness of my community, and I have two knee scooters, so I can actually follow doctor’s orders and limit the time I am walking on my foot. I scoot from one class space to the other, feeling like a 6-year old who just mastered their Razor scooter on the driveway. Apparently, my antics are very entertaining: “There she goes!” “I have to keep up with you!” The scooter is probably the only fun thing about this broken foot nonsense.

As for exercise, I posted a YouTube video about how I have been adapting my routine whilst in the boot, since I have not been in the gym for over 3 weeks and I cannot put any significant weight on my healing foot. I am getting some good left hamstring work navigating the scooter and I’m showing my students the basics of building a strong core and making modifications as necessary.

I have great co-workers who are helpful and don’t patronize or try to do too much for me. They do keep me from making poor choices sometimes, and I am grateful for that. They understand that I want to do everything that I can and teach to the best of my ability, even with the boot. My students are also very concerned, kind and understanding.

My husband, my rock, has shown up (as always). He is patient and kind, and takes me to and from work twice a week. He covers whatever he needs to at home, making sure I do not feel compelled to step in and do something I shouldn’t. I don’t like that this foot has taken over the beginning of our empty nesting, but I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. Eventually.

It is true that I am exhausted when I get home, and all I want to do is sit, ice my foot, and do nothing for hours. In a way, I’m thankful the girls are away at college. They are fine on their own and all I have to really do is love the animals who curl up beside me and find some food to eat.

Save for the foot, I am thankfully in good physical shape. I just have to ride the wave, let the healing happen, and bring my best self to whatever I am doing. It will be another two and an half weeks before I see the doctor again, so for now, I’m just going to stay the course.