Sometimes you break yourself, part 5

Healing a broken bone takes a LONG TIME. Intellectually, I know this. Emotionally, that’s a whole other story. 6-8 weeks for initial healing, many more months for real bone hardening to occur. Normal physical activities, especially my kind of normal, have been put on hold or modified considerably.

Taking a step back

Since my week one followup at the doctor, which didn’t go so well, I had been quietly dreading my three week visit. As I talked about in part four, I had a lot of anxiety coming out of that week one appointment. My behaviors, that I thought would be good for strengthening and such, was just too much and the X-ray made it feel like I hadn’t done any healing at all, instead taking steps backwards. I was distraught that I had messed things up for myself.

I was fearful that I had lost all perspective about what “too much” was and that any slip up would set me back for weeks. As much as I was behaving and trying to follow doctor’s orders, I was very much on edge about walking around at all. I’d use the cane, even though it wasn’t really doing that much to support my weight, but I was just trying to keep as much weight off the heel as possible. It was also a good signal to those around me that I was, in fact, more injured than I might otherwise let on.

Here’s a little recap of the last two visits:

What is common sense?

Of course, this concept of “common sense” was totally lost on me. Did that mean I should use the crutches to get to the bathroom? He didn’t say that, but if I had to limit walking, maybe the better part of valor would be to just keep the weight off of it altogether. But, he did say I could walk on my heel in the boot, so how much is too much? And when I’m resting and the boot is off, is there a bad position or angle that will inhibit healing? I know I can wiggle my toes, but can I move my ankle without pulling the tendon that will separate the broken end piece of bone and keep me broken forever? On and on and on my brain circulated.

It was an maddening exercise in overthinking and rumination, and it made me anxious and sad for a week and a half.

The three and a half week visit finally came and I got the X-ray taken. When I first glanced at it, my heart sank. It actually looked worse and more separated than the last image. All I thought about was how many more weeks or months would be added to my boot misery.

Taking a step forward

Surprisingly, the doctor was much more encouraged than I was.

In the image, you can see some “cloudiness” in the break space, which means there’s new bone growth happening. The joint side is also now closed up, and the alignment of the bones are still intact. My body is slowly (very slowly) taking care of business and I have to stay the course to keep that momentum going.

Managing anxiety

Mentally, what makes me feel a little better is that I seem to have figured out the parameters of how to apply the doctor’s advice in a practical way. I want to promote healing as I insert myself into some aspects of my normal life, even if there are significant modifications involved. Here are some of the outcomes from the visit:

• Get rid of the cane. It’s not helping enough to make it worth the effort. It isn’t providing any stability, and as long as I’m mindful of minimizing the walking, I don’t need it.
• Driving is still at least 3 weeks away.
• Keep walking on the heel, but limit the amount of walking I do.
• I can gently move my toes and my ankle. A little bit for circulation. Nothing extreme. No Theraband foot and ankle strengthening exercises like I tried in week 1. Dope.

I think what helps me to manage the anxiety, aside from accepting the temporary fate I have been given, is having a game plan that seems to work. I don’t have to lay down and die, do nothing at all, and wait it out; after all I have things to take care of. However, I am trying to remember the most important self-care rule: take care of yourself so you can effectively take care of others. I don’t want to stay broken, and it is up to me to take the steps (or not to take the steps) to make that happen.

Back to work

As I expressed in First Day Jitters, I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety about going back to work. A lot of that was wrapped around this foot issue. I am generally a good problem solver and can come up with plans, ideas and adaptations as needed. But managing this foot in my school environment is an extra-large challenge.

The first day with students was actually just a half day for me, since I had my doctor appointment in the afternoon. I have two scooters at school now; a couple of friends generously lended me theirs while I am healing. I’m using two because there are two levels I have to navigate and bringing a scooter up and down a staircase is ill-advised. In a school building, those scooters are amazing; on flat, clear hallways, I zip from place to place in no time. Even better, it’s really fun. There’s a lot of planning that is required to make sure the scooters are where they need to be at any given point in the day, but I have amazing colleagues who will help me out whenever I need it.

The thing that I think I am most excited about is the lesson that my students will learn from seeing their middle-aged teacher manage this situation. I am very transparent with them: how it happened, what I can and cannot do, and how hard it is to navigate. Despite the challenge, I am committed to my goal of providing the same movement education to them; I will just need more help from them to achieve that goal; that may not be a bad thing in the end.

While there is no magic pill or miracle cure for a broken bone, the best course of action is this: listen to your doctor and take a load off. It does create all sorts of hassles and headaches, but when you have a good support system that wants to help you through it, managing it is a little easier. So, I’ll go to work, scoot around, keep my foot up as much as I can, and then be a couch potato on ice when I get home. Hopefully in 3 weeks, I will have taken a few more steps forward towards my old normal.